Sure, I love you.
I won’t pretend - I won’t hide it - I won’t deny it - I won’t lie… I do…
Everything just feels natural… not fairy tale magical or anything of the sort… just real…
I never really got to appreciate it until I started to lose that feeling, and I wish I’d have realized it sooner. You mean the world to me; you always have and you always will. Maybe I should have ignored it and tried to move on… walk away and finally get to see things differently… the way everyone says I should have… but I couldn’t face myself if I did.
I made a promise that I’d be there for you forever, and that’s a promise I’ll never break.
♥
2011-12-30
2011-12-29
[T] Now
I don't understand time.
Where it comes from.. where it goes..
People constantly search for the right time to say or do something.
There is never a right time.
There is no right or wrong time.
There is only now.
And every second you take to anticipate what comes next..
You lose the present moment.
Countless precious seconds lost.
The present moment offers you freedom -
the ability to just live, without limitations..
the choice to go wherever you wish..
this feeling that things are in your control.
So what do we do now? You're free to decide.
Where it comes from.. where it goes..
People constantly search for the right time to say or do something.
There is never a right time.
There is no right or wrong time.
There is only now.
And every second you take to anticipate what comes next..
You lose the present moment.
Countless precious seconds lost.
The present moment offers you freedom -
the ability to just live, without limitations..
the choice to go wherever you wish..
this feeling that things are in your control.
So what do we do now? You're free to decide.
2011-12-28
[T] Time
When is the right time?
I could say it now.. or in a year.. or five..
-- but will it ever be right?
Things won't be the same between you and I.. no matter how we try to make it work.. and I'm learning to accept that. I'm always going to love you.. and that will stay the same. But this whole world we built together, it'll always change. We'll just keep building until the tower falls. And when it does, we'll sit in the remnants of this great escape we created and laugh at another well-executed failure. Because we all live to make mistakes. So why not enjoy them?
I don't want this to last forever, in all honesty, because I know it won't. Every story has an ending. But for now, can we just work at it slowly.. one page a time?
[T] If you asked me...
I'd be completely honest with you. I always loved you. No matter what happened, I'd always be there for you. I knew you deserved that much, and I'd honestly give you all of that and more. I just wanted to see you smile - it didn't matter what I needed to do... I would do it, no second guesses.
I'd tell you how much I regret ever telling you how I felt about you... how disgusting I felt after I did, knowing I couldn't erase the words from my mind - I couldn't take them back. Your reaction said it all, you didn't need to say another word. I understand, oh I do. You always made the rules - I never argued with it because I couldn't... I could never do anything to change that moment.
I'd be able to look at you without feeling like I'm living below your expectations. I still cry about it, and it makes me feel stupid, because I honestly don't know why I let you affect the way I feel. I'm an idiot for trying to pretend I didn't care.
You'd know I hate the person you are now. You make me hate myself. You make me wish I could undo years of my life so I could go back to a day where you had no influence over me. You're the reason I put myself through all of this shit. You're the reason I first contemplated the jump...
2011-12-23
[T] Focus
What will it take for you to realize how serious this is?
The championship titles aren't the most important thing here.
Maybe you DON'T understand what this is about.
The reason why we got as far as we did - the reason why we have those banners on our walls, the trophies in our case - it's because we worked hard to get them... and even harder to keep them.
I've never been so disappointed in my life.
I had thought things would just work out, like they did before.
This team is not the same team I was a part of.
This team looks differently, acts differently, performs differently.
And I don't like it.
So much gets in the way of what's really important.
The purpose.
Our purpose.
To wrestle with heart. No matter what. No matter who the opponent is.
Just wrestle hard and wrestle smart.
And DON'T give up. Ever.
It's disrespectful to give up in a match against a tougher opponent. To them, to your coach, to your whole team... AND to yourself.
You should always train your hardest at practice, because then your matches won't be a problem. You perform the way you practice - it's that simple.
Never expect things to be handed to you. Not a round. Not a match. Not a medal. And definitely NOT a championship title.
I'm honestly so disgusted by the feeling I get surrounded by this team. You're nothing like the team I knew, the FAMILY I knew. We worked well off the mat because we worked well on the mat.
If it takes losing something so important for you all to realize what went wrong... I hate to be the one to say this, but maybe that should happen.
Everyone just needs to stop trying to bring outside life inside the lines of the mat. Wrestle on the mat, live your life off of it. Too many distractions are present - just let it all go and wrestle.
Forget relationships.
Forget school.
Forget all the unimportant things.
Focus.
The championship titles aren't the most important thing here.
Maybe you DON'T understand what this is about.
The reason why we got as far as we did - the reason why we have those banners on our walls, the trophies in our case - it's because we worked hard to get them... and even harder to keep them.
I've never been so disappointed in my life.
I had thought things would just work out, like they did before.
This team is not the same team I was a part of.
This team looks differently, acts differently, performs differently.
And I don't like it.
So much gets in the way of what's really important.
The purpose.
Our purpose.
To wrestle with heart. No matter what. No matter who the opponent is.
Just wrestle hard and wrestle smart.
And DON'T give up. Ever.
It's disrespectful to give up in a match against a tougher opponent. To them, to your coach, to your whole team... AND to yourself.
You should always train your hardest at practice, because then your matches won't be a problem. You perform the way you practice - it's that simple.
Never expect things to be handed to you. Not a round. Not a match. Not a medal. And definitely NOT a championship title.
I'm honestly so disgusted by the feeling I get surrounded by this team. You're nothing like the team I knew, the FAMILY I knew. We worked well off the mat because we worked well on the mat.
If it takes losing something so important for you all to realize what went wrong... I hate to be the one to say this, but maybe that should happen.
Everyone just needs to stop trying to bring outside life inside the lines of the mat. Wrestle on the mat, live your life off of it. Too many distractions are present - just let it all go and wrestle.
Forget relationships.
Forget school.
Forget all the unimportant things.
Focus.
[T] Do it for you...
Why would I do anything for anyone's approval? Better question - why would you?
These people don't care about you enough to tell you that you could do so much better for yourself, if you just did what you wanted - not what they thought you should do.
I feel like I don't know you anymore. Any of you.
You would never need to gain my approval. Because I liked you for who you were... just you... no bullshit behind it. People's opinions are nothing more than that. You don't need to look or talk or act differently expecting certain people to change the way they think of you.
You're better than that.
Or at least, I thought you were.
You should know that it doesn't matter what people think of you, or whether or not they like you, respect you, or even acknowledge you. You should be able to accept that, understand that, appreciate that.
You should know that there are people who will still be there for you, no matter how many times you mess up. I'd be one of those people. I'd forgive you regardless. Because I understand. Because I actually care.
But you know what? It probably doesn't matter that I'm saying this... because you do care what people think of you. And you choose to ignore the opinions that don't go along with what those people think.
That's fine.
But when you realize you're so much better than that, how will it feel when there's no one to share that with?
Before you decide to go through with something, think about whose approval you really need.
Do it for you.
These people don't care about you enough to tell you that you could do so much better for yourself, if you just did what you wanted - not what they thought you should do.
I feel like I don't know you anymore. Any of you.
You would never need to gain my approval. Because I liked you for who you were... just you... no bullshit behind it. People's opinions are nothing more than that. You don't need to look or talk or act differently expecting certain people to change the way they think of you.
You're better than that.
Or at least, I thought you were.
You should know that it doesn't matter what people think of you, or whether or not they like you, respect you, or even acknowledge you. You should be able to accept that, understand that, appreciate that.
You should know that there are people who will still be there for you, no matter how many times you mess up. I'd be one of those people. I'd forgive you regardless. Because I understand. Because I actually care.
But you know what? It probably doesn't matter that I'm saying this... because you do care what people think of you. And you choose to ignore the opinions that don't go along with what those people think.
That's fine.
But when you realize you're so much better than that, how will it feel when there's no one to share that with?
Before you decide to go through with something, think about whose approval you really need.
Do it for you.
2011-12-21
[E] Final Exams: F2011
Down to my last exam.
Completed four already, and my body is ready to quit on me.
Just eight and a half more hours until I can rest... finally.
Microeconomics exam? DONE.
Service social exam? DONE.
Workshop in essay writing exam? DONE.
Introduction to social sciences exam? DONE.
French exam? Let's go.
I'm so nervous about this exam, it's making me want to roll into a ball in my bed and cry :(
On the plus side, it's the first day of winter and the snow may distract me a bit.
Completed four already, and my body is ready to quit on me.
Just eight and a half more hours until I can rest... finally.
Microeconomics exam? DONE.
Service social exam? DONE.
Workshop in essay writing exam? DONE.
Introduction to social sciences exam? DONE.
French exam? Let's go.
I'm so nervous about this exam, it's making me want to roll into a ball in my bed and cry :(
On the plus side, it's the first day of winter and the snow may distract me a bit.
2011-12-19
Take a shot for me...
Freestyle - Drake: Shot for Me (second verse)
Okay... look, I'm honest -
fact is, you know I miss you
you know our friendship was
the only thing that I'd commit to
I always tried to deal with
all the shit that life would hand you
but when I needed you, you cut -
I can't understand you
You think it's me that's changed?
can't even talk to you,
you're always busy doing things
and I don't want to say that it's
your friends that ruined things
but I think you need glasses, hun
because your view is strange
there's nothing left for us to do
but fight and break shit
that's what you've brought us to
you know what? I can't take it
you think I want to fight you?
truth is, kid, I hate this
I thought the problem started with me
but you made it
you made this
too hard for me to bear
I cried for days on end
I took the worst shit
and from my best friend
I hope this hits you hard
just knowing how I'm hurting
or maybe knowing that
I don't deserve this
Take a shot for me...
Okay... look, I'm honest -
fact is, you know I miss you
you know our friendship was
the only thing that I'd commit to
I always tried to deal with
all the shit that life would hand you
but when I needed you, you cut -
I can't understand you
You think it's me that's changed?
can't even talk to you,
you're always busy doing things
and I don't want to say that it's
your friends that ruined things
but I think you need glasses, hun
because your view is strange
there's nothing left for us to do
but fight and break shit
that's what you've brought us to
you know what? I can't take it
you think I want to fight you?
truth is, kid, I hate this
I thought the problem started with me
but you made it
you made this
too hard for me to bear
I cried for days on end
I took the worst shit
and from my best friend
I hope this hits you hard
just knowing how I'm hurting
or maybe knowing that
I don't deserve this
Take a shot for me...
2011-12-18
[T] What is enough?
I gave the sun, you left me with the rain. Gave you my heart and soul, you left me with the pain. Wanted to make it work knowing forgiveness is tough. Guess I should have known better, love is never enough.
So what is enough?
So what is enough?
2011-12-14
[11]
If only I had known...
You'd become a different person. You'd pretend you were someone else to gain the approval of others. You'd treat me like less of a person when I was probably one of the ONLY people that was always there for you. You'd turn your back on me, on our friendship. You'd break my heart and watch it shatter. You'd fight me until I cried. You'd insult me. You'd let me bleed it out. You'd let me suffer. You'd destroy me and act like it had never happened.
If only I had known how much this would hurt.
Then maybe I'd have somewhere to start trying to make it better.
You'd become a different person. You'd pretend you were someone else to gain the approval of others. You'd treat me like less of a person when I was probably one of the ONLY people that was always there for you. You'd turn your back on me, on our friendship. You'd break my heart and watch it shatter. You'd fight me until I cried. You'd insult me. You'd let me bleed it out. You'd let me suffer. You'd destroy me and act like it had never happened.
If only I had known how much this would hurt.
Then maybe I'd have somewhere to start trying to make it better.
2011-12-08
[E] Tri Delta Library Lockdown
When studying for finals, certain things come to mind.
At this point, we've covered boys.. boys.. food.. potential failure.. Disney.. boys.. the sketchy security guard.. the Virginia Tech shooting.. cults.. and stuff.
Gotta love my sisters!
At this point, we've covered boys.. boys.. food.. potential failure.. Disney.. boys.. the sketchy security guard.. the Virginia Tech shooting.. cults.. and stuff.
Gotta love my sisters!
2011-12-04
[T] Relationships? No... simply relations.
There's nothing to say about the awkwardness that followed last night's [insert all synonyms for 'unbelievable' here] events.
And why?
Because some people choose to think with their genitalia, and not with their brains.
It's unfortunate, really. The kind of trouble one may get themselves into for not simply keeping their legs closed.
And darlings, alcohol does NOT justify this issue.
This is so weird, speaking in referring to my friends as if I can't just speak to them. But in fact, I can't. Because they don't listen.
So if, *people whom I am referring to* by some mystical force of nature, your eyes somehow grace these words... all I have to say is... wow.
To both of you, I ask this: was it worth it?
I know it must be hard being lonely (LOL JK because clearly no one sleeps alone anymore) but I'm gonna make this really clear for you and everyone else.
I understand that in kindergarten, we were all taught that "sharing is caring". That doesn't mean share EVERYTHING... you are allowed to keep some things to yourselves.
Now as I return to my bed (alone, by choice... just saying), I hope these unusual sexual encounters remain nonexistent... or at least, nonexistent to me, because after all, ignorance is bliss.
And why?
Because some people choose to think with their genitalia, and not with their brains.
It's unfortunate, really. The kind of trouble one may get themselves into for not simply keeping their legs closed.
And darlings, alcohol does NOT justify this issue.
This is so weird, speaking in referring to my friends as if I can't just speak to them. But in fact, I can't. Because they don't listen.
So if, *people whom I am referring to* by some mystical force of nature, your eyes somehow grace these words... all I have to say is... wow.
To both of you, I ask this: was it worth it?
I know it must be hard being lonely (LOL JK because clearly no one sleeps alone anymore) but I'm gonna make this really clear for you and everyone else.
I understand that in kindergarten, we were all taught that "sharing is caring". That doesn't mean share EVERYTHING... you are allowed to keep some things to yourselves.
Now as I return to my bed (alone, by choice... just saying), I hope these unusual sexual encounters remain nonexistent... or at least, nonexistent to me, because after all, ignorance is bliss.
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