[T] Something about you.

Sure, I love you.
I won’t pretend - I won’t hide it - I won’t deny it - I won’t lie… I do…
Everything just feels natural… not fairy tale magical or anything of the sort… just real…

I never really got to appreciate it until I started to lose that feeling, and I wish I’d have realized it sooner. You mean the world to me; you always have and you always will. Maybe I should have ignored it and tried to move on… walk away and finally get to see things differently… the way everyone says I should have… but I couldn’t face myself if I did.

I made a promise that I’d be there for you forever, and that’s a promise I’ll never break.

♥

[T] Now

I don't understand time.
Where it comes from.. where it goes..
People constantly search for the right time to say or do something.
There is never a right time.
There is no right or wrong time.
There is only now.
And every second you take to anticipate what comes next..
You lose the present moment.
Countless precious seconds lost.
The present moment offers you freedom -
the ability to just live, without limitations..
the choice to go wherever you wish..
this feeling that things are in your control.

So what do we do now? You're free to decide.

[T] Time

When is the right time? I could say it now.. or in a year.. or five.. -- but will it ever be right? Things won't be the same between you and I.. no matter how we try to make it work.. and I'm learning to accept that. I'm always going to love you.. and that will stay the same. But this whole world we built together, it'll always change. We'll just keep building until the tower falls. And when it does, we'll sit in the remnants of this great escape we created and laugh at another well-executed failure. Because we all live to make mistakes. So why not enjoy them? I don't want this to last forever, in all honesty, because I know it won't. Every story has an ending. But for now, can we just work at it slowly.. one page a time?

[T] If you asked me...

I'd be completely honest with you. I always loved you. No matter what happened, I'd always be there for you. I knew you deserved that much, and I'd honestly give you all of that and more. I just wanted to see you smile - it didn't matter what I needed to do... I would do it, no second guesses. I'd tell you how much I regret ever telling you how I felt about you... how disgusting I felt after I did, knowing I couldn't erase the words from my mind - I couldn't take them back. Your reaction said it all, you didn't need to say another word. I understand, oh I do. You always made the rules - I never argued with it because I couldn't... I could never do anything to change that moment. I'd be able to look at you without feeling like I'm living below your expectations. I still cry about it, and it makes me feel stupid, because I honestly don't know why I let you affect the way I feel. I'm an idiot for trying to pretend I didn't care. You'd know I hate the person you are now. You make me hate myself. You make me wish I could undo years of my life so I could go back to a day where you had no influence over me. You're the reason I put myself through all of this shit. You're the reason I first contemplated the jump...

[T] Focus

What will it take for you to realize how serious this is?
The championship titles aren't the most important thing here.
Maybe you DON'T understand what this is about.

The reason why we got as far as we did - the reason why we have those banners on our walls, the trophies in our case - it's because we worked hard to get them... and even harder to keep them.

I've never been so disappointed in my life.
I had thought things would just work out, like they did before.

This team is not the same team I was a part of.
This team looks differently, acts differently, performs differently.

And I don't like it.

So much gets in the way of what's really important.

The purpose.
Our purpose.

To wrestle with heart. No matter what. No matter who the opponent is.
Just wrestle hard and wrestle smart.
And DON'T give up. Ever.

It's disrespectful to give up in a match against a tougher opponent. To them, to your coach, to your whole team... AND to yourself.

You should always train your hardest at practice, because then your matches won't be a problem. You perform the way you practice - it's that simple.

Never expect things to be handed to you. Not a round. Not a match. Not a medal. And definitely NOT a championship title.

I'm honestly so disgusted by the feeling I get surrounded by this team. You're nothing like the team I knew, the FAMILY I knew. We worked well off the mat because we worked well on the mat.

If it takes losing something so important for you all to realize what went wrong... I hate to be the one to say this, but maybe that should happen.

Everyone just needs to stop trying to bring outside life inside the lines of the mat. Wrestle on the mat, live your life off of it. Too many distractions are present - just let it all go and wrestle.

Forget relationships.
Forget school.
Forget all the unimportant things.

Focus.

[T] Do it for you...

Why would I do anything for anyone's approval? Better question - why would you?

These people don't care about you enough to tell you that you could do so much better for yourself, if you just did what you wanted - not what they thought you should do.

I feel like I don't know you anymore. Any of you.

You would never need to gain my approval. Because I liked you for who you were... just you... no bullshit behind it. People's opinions are nothing more than that. You don't need to look or talk or act differently expecting certain people to change the way they think of you.

You're better than that.
Or at least, I thought you were.

You should know that it doesn't matter what people think of you, or whether or not they like you, respect you, or even acknowledge you. You should be able to accept that, understand that, appreciate that.

You should know that there are people who will still be there for you, no matter how many times you mess up. I'd be one of those people. I'd forgive you regardless. Because I understand. Because I actually care.

But you know what? It probably doesn't matter that I'm saying this... because you do care what people think of you. And you choose to ignore the opinions that don't go along with what those people think.

That's fine.
But when you realize you're so much better than that, how will it feel when there's no one to share that with?

Before you decide to go through with something, think about whose approval you really need.

Do it for you.

[E] Final Exams: F2011

Down to my last exam.
Completed four already, and my body is ready to quit on me.
Just eight and a half more hours until I can rest... finally.

Microeconomics exam? DONE.
Service social exam? DONE.
Workshop in essay writing exam? DONE.
Introduction to social sciences exam? DONE.

French exam? Let's go.

I'm so nervous about this exam, it's making me want to roll into a ball in my bed and cry :(

On the plus side, it's the first day of winter and the snow may distract me a bit.

Take a shot for me...

Freestyle - Drake: Shot for Me (second verse)

Okay... look, I'm honest -
fact is, you know I miss you
you know our friendship was
the only thing that I'd commit to
I always tried to deal with
all the shit that life would hand you
but when I needed you, you cut -
I can't understand you
You think it's me that's changed?
can't even talk to you,
you're always busy doing things
and I don't want to say that it's
your friends that ruined things
but I think you need glasses, hun
because your view is strange
there's nothing left for us to do
but fight and break shit
that's what you've brought us to
you know what? I can't take it
you think I want to fight you?
truth is, kid, I hate this
I thought the problem started with me
but you made it
you made this
too hard for me to bear
I cried for days on end
I took the worst shit
and from my best friend
I hope this hits you hard
just knowing how I'm hurting
or maybe knowing that
I don't deserve this

Take a shot for me...

[T] What is enough?

I gave the sun, you left me with the rain. Gave you my heart and soul, you left me with the pain. Wanted to make it work knowing forgiveness is tough. Guess I should have known better, love is never enough.

So what is enough?

[11]

If only I had known...

You'd become a different person. You'd pretend you were someone else to gain the approval of others. You'd treat me like less of a person when I was probably one of the ONLY people that was always there for you. You'd turn your back on me, on our friendship. You'd break my heart and watch it shatter. You'd fight me until I cried. You'd insult me. You'd let me bleed it out. You'd let me suffer. You'd destroy me and act like it had never happened.

If only I had known how much this would hurt.

Then maybe I'd have somewhere to start trying to make it better.

[E] Tri Delta Library Lockdown

When studying for finals, certain things come to mind.
At this point, we've covered boys.. boys.. food.. potential failure.. Disney.. boys.. the sketchy security guard.. the Virginia Tech shooting.. cults.. and stuff.

Gotta love my sisters!

[10]

If only I had known...

Saying goodbye would be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[T] Relationships? No... simply relations.

There's nothing to say about the awkwardness that followed last night's [insert all synonyms for 'unbelievable' here] events.

And why?

Because some people choose to think with their genitalia, and not with their brains.

It's unfortunate, really. The kind of trouble one may get themselves into for not simply keeping their legs closed.

And darlings, alcohol does NOT justify this issue.

This is so weird, speaking in referring to my friends as if I can't just speak to them. But in fact, I can't. Because they don't listen.

So if, *people whom I am referring to* by some mystical force of nature, your eyes somehow grace these words... all I have to say is... wow.

To both of you, I ask this: was it worth it?

I know it must be hard being lonely (LOL JK because clearly no one sleeps alone anymore) but I'm gonna make this really clear for you and everyone else.

I understand that in kindergarten, we were all taught that "sharing is caring". That doesn't mean share EVERYTHING... you are allowed to keep some things to yourselves.

Now as I return to my bed (alone, by choice... just saying), I hope these unusual sexual encounters remain nonexistent... or at least, nonexistent to me, because after all, ignorance is bliss.

[T] Privacy?

Why do people think I care about their business? LOL if you don’t tell half the planet, I wouldn’t know about it. Better question - why do people think apologizing makes me care any more about the issue? Cool, I get it. You’re sorry. My expectations are low as it is, if you keep slipping up like this, my expectations will be sitting on the floor with you. Not okay.

V

Sensei says:
"Typically you wouldn't want your head in between their legs..."

IV

Sensei says:
"...then you can get her to hold your trophy while you kiss her boyfriend."

[E] Initiation Day, 2011-11-20

Simply put, welcoming the Alpha Iota class of Delta Delta Delta's Canada Delta Chapter. Throw what you know ;]

[9]

If only I had known...

You deserved so much better. And I was ready to admit that. Then you made me regret feeling guilty. Hope you're happy.

[8]

If only I had known...

Being right isn't always a good thing.

III

Sensei says:
"She's all woman. You're just... like a Timbit. Jelly filled."

II

Sensei says:
"Typical North American woman behaviour. You'll make a good wife. Default position, always on your back."

I

Sensei says:
"Don't dump the guy you have until you find yourself a better one."

Sensei Says

So I've decided that I'm gonna take advantage of this gift given to me by the gods of all that is beautiful in the world, and take note of some of the valuable lessons I learn from listening to my new wrestling coach.

Each post will be titled with roman numerals (ie. I, II, III, IV, etc.) and each post will be a different lesson, starting with "Sensei says", just so the readers know that he doesn't just throw his material out all at once. Work like this takes practice.

***Take no offence to the things he says. He really means well, and just speaks for entertainment purposes.

Just too tired to come up with a name for this :$

Sometimes you just can't find the right words
and maybe you don't need to...
I guess words aren't everything after all -
I wish I knew just what to say
or what to do... I can't believe it,
never been the type to freeze
mentally, this is unreal
but could it be that finally
I'm learning just how to feel...
they say there's no harm in messing up
and from experience, I know it's true
because I definitely made a big mistake
thinking I didn't care about you
the way I do - even if you knew this,
which I'm almost sure you should -
I don't admit to being caught off-guard often
but boy, you got me good.

[E] Concordia Invitational

First university wrestling tournament.

82kg women - 3rd place

Note to self: just make the cut.

[7]

If only I had known...

Some things just never change. Some people never cease to make you smile. Some memories never stop making you cry.

I walked past the awards cabinet at my high school, and I realized how much I truly love what we had together - a real family connection... that goes far beyond my time... and will keep going through all of yours...

Never cried so many tears or smiled for so long, because it had finally made sense.

Love lasts forever.

[6]

If only I had known...

I'd be falling apart, not knowing how to save myself.

Someone needs to send me an angel soon.

You could do better.

I'm just saying, you could do better... I just can't believe after everything, you chase dreams bigger than your hands can hold onto. I don't understand how it even crossed your mind that maybe this would work out the way you had expected. I can't begin to explain just how much it hurts every time I think about this mess we've made. I don't even want to think about what's next because you seem to think we can skip over things like this. I may not ever stop hurting like this and I don't think you will either, it seems so, at least. Have you heard that lately?

[T] Actually, a question.

Why do I feel like there's something more to you and I?

Tell me what you're thinking
because I don't read minds,
I feel like there's something in you
that I'm just dying to find
beneath the surface
like the fish in the ocean
or the eagles that grace the skies,
there's a compelling sense of wonder
I feel from looking into your eyes...

[T] Are heroes real?

I never thought it would happen again... I was never the type to sit around and cry - showing weakness is unnecessary. I thought things would never have to change, because no matter what happened, you'd always be there. Three years ago, it was the beginning.

It was like waking up from a bad dream only to realize you're still asleep. It was unreal. Everything became so quiet all of a sudden. Smiles faded and soon it was just the face of indifference. A blank canvas. Never thought I'd see a day when things would change. But regardless, you'd still be my hero.

A year later, I started to see it. Just like everyone else - we would have to find a new way to do things. How were we ever gonna be anything like we used to be? There was no 'we' without you. There was no way this was gonna work.

I remember the entire week leading up to that day. The day things would actually change - without us being able to do anything about it. Tears. No matter how hard it was to handle, you kept a smile on your face. I questioned how things would ever be the same without you, and you simply laughed and said "you'll be okay".

And you weren't wrong.

I had never been more motivated to work harder - to be stronger - to fight until every drop of blood has dripped out of my body. Maybe I didn't believe in it before, but I guess I shouldn't have been so doubtful. Heroes are real.

[5]

If only I had known...

Things do get better.

The people you care about will always remember that. They will do as much as they can to see you happy. The people you knew you could always count on will be there for you, no matter where you are. The tears you shed will dry - and your smiles will feel amazing. The times you wish would last forever still do, and everyone knows it. Falling in love doesn't just mean finding someone you think works for you, it's the unusual ability you have to work for them too. Family isn't only the blood running through you, it's also the blood shed for you. Friends don't let friends cry, but good friends make you laugh until you do. Memories last as long as you wish if you're willing to remember them. When someone you care about speaks to you, the words enter your mind and touch your heart. It's a fact of life that very few remember the good things that you've done and never forget the bad things. It's also a fact of life that the people you care about will love you no matter what you've done. If you tell someone you love them, they'll never forget it. If you tell someone you hate them, they'll never forget you. If you pretend you care about someone, they will see right through you. If you pretend you don't, they know you'll change your ways soon. When the going gets tough, hug someone - that feeling will motivate you to get through anything. You know you love someone when your first thought is not how happy they make you, but how happy you could make them.

That's how I feel about you. You make me want to make you happy. And I'd never want to do anything else...

Maya's University Bucket List

These are all of the things that I'm hoping to have achieved/accomplished/tried/learned/etc. by the end of spring in 2015, when I'm finishing my final year of undergraduate studies.

Some things have a certain deadline or time they should/will/must be done, and I'll make note of them so you can all guarantee I'm not cheating.

Anything in italics is something I completed.

ACADEMIC

- Receive Honours Bachelor in Social Sciences, specialization in Political Science
- Receive bilingualism certification (Fall 2012)
- Receive the Co-Curricular Record

ATHLETICS AND SPORTS

- Learn kickboxing (Fall 2012)
- Start a wrestling club at UOttawa
- Compete for the UOttawa Wrestling Club
- Receive a medal from at least one university wrestling tournament
- Get competitive wrestling team status at UOttawa
- Learn to skate (again)
- Learn to swim (again)
- Learn to ski or snowboard

TRI DELTA

- Become an initiated sister for one sorority (Delta Delta Delta ♥)
- Become a Big sister (Fall 2012)
- Become slated into an office at least once (2) (New Member Educator; Risk Management Chair)

PIDSSA

- Run for at least one PIDSSA election (3)
- Win at least one PIDSSA election (1) (VP Internal)
- Volunteer as a 101 guide (2) (2012, 2013)
- Participate in the PIDSSA Model Parliament at least once (3) (2012, 2013, 2014)
- Learn all of the PIDSSA cheers


EMPLOYMENT AND VOLUNTEERING

- Get at least one on-campus job
- Get at least one off-campus job
- Work for the federal government (co-op, volunteer, work, etc.)

MISCELLANEOUS

- Become Smart Serve Certified

- Taste every flavour of BeaverTails (Garlic Butter/Cheese, Chocolate Hazelnut, Cinnamon/Sugar, Avalanche, Maple Butter, Triple Trip, Coco Vanil, Killaloe Sunrise)

[E] Homecoming!

This weekend. UOttawa Gee-Gees vs. UToronto Varsity Blues. Oh how I love football. ♥
As much as I love TO, my love and support goes to my new home team.

Nous sommes les Gee-Gees!

(Update: THE GEE-GEES WON! 41-0... just saying)

[4]

If only I had known...

Getting over you would be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I never wanted to. And I wish things were different. When I said I loved you, I meant that.

[T] You're better than this.

Part of me hopes you read this.. but part of me hopes you know just what I'm gonna say and why I'm saying it.

When you have someone in your life who loves you, how much would you put yourself through for them, in order to make that last? I would do whatever I needed to, if I was ever so lucky.

You have the only thing I could possibly want, and you're making it seem like it isn't even worth it - and that upsets me. People get hurt so often, and they're willing to forgive and forget and pretend everything's normal again. But it isn't.

Now that I think about it, I'm seriously disappointed. I thought you were a lot better than that. And because you're my friend, I really trusted you. What you did was wrong, no matter what your reasoning behind it was.

If I can't trust you, that makes me question how I'd ever be able to trust anyone else. You didn't even hurt me. You scared me. Because I honestly thought you'd have learned to walk away before you made a mess of things. It's sad. You don't even look like you feel the least bit guilty.

But I don't blame you. People fuck up all the time. Everyone gets hurt by people they care about. It's unfortunate but realistic. It just makes me wonder... how long will it take before that fate reaches me?

I hope you do the right thing. If not for anyone else, at least for yourself.

[3]

If only I had known...

I love Toronto so much. I ran as fast as I could to get out of there, and although I won't say I regret the choice, I wish I had really given myself more of a chance to think about it. I miss being home.

[S] All about being sexy?

Here's the most random thing I learned from my TA during my French discussion group.

To conjugate French verbs, here's a trick to figure out what the verb ending should be.

Je - s, e, x, ai (because I am sexy)
Tu - s, x (sex without the e, obviously)
Il/Elle - d, a, t, e (because sexy people shouldn't be alone)

So the moral of the story is... French is all about being sexy (or "sexai", I guess).

Merci beaucoup Alexandre, you're brilliant!

Fine Line

Some dreams are just so good that you wish
that you could open your eyes
and experience the beauty in reality
so close to your fingertips that if you chose
to reach out and touch it
you could almost feel as it moves you
that's just how I felt
when I was with you, reality felt like a dream
and nothing could possibly interfere
or come between us, it was unreal
just as I had thought - it wasn't real and I knew it
but it wouldn't hurt to try
so every night, as I close my eyes
I cross the line and defy all odds
because just once I'd like to see it
with both of my eyes, what it is
I feared for so much of my life
and just when I thought I'd finally be okay
the fantasy slipped my mind.

[S] Rethinking social service...

Dandelions are apparently higher in calcium than dairy products. My prof taught me something useful - I think I'll go pick some dandelions for dinner now?

[T] Like a deer caught in the headlights.

I don’t know where to start - I guess that’s just what you do - you leave me speechless. I don’t even know what it is about you that does it, but I just can’t seem to escape the thought of it.

You are, without a doubt, an amazing person.

I’ve gotten to see the exterior of this character you’ve created, but something tells me there’s more to you - and I want to explore that further… I want to know you from the inside out; what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what touches your heart… I guess, I just want to mean enough to you for you to share that with me.

And I’d do the same for you, because I’m not afraid to. You always struck me as the type of person that has much to be discovered but not enough is ever explored. I want to discover that person that no one else sees.

You cut me deep, country boy.

[T] Glad to have a friend like you.

I’m not sure what I think of you anymore. After all the events of the past few months, I’m just surprised we are where we are now. I couldn’t thank you enough for everything; I felt like that night was perfect - and nothing could have made it better.

I honestly don’t regret all of the trouble it caused because I never would have felt as good as I did when I was with you. The situation wasn’t ideal, I know, and I had always thought things could have been what I wanted them to be like. That was a mistake. I had never wanted to hurt you; but I was out of control. You stood by me through all of that, and for that, I hold the utmost admiration and respect for you. Thank you.

[2]

If only I had known...

You meant so much more to me than I had ever thought. Guess I took you for granted and now I'm realizing what a mistake that really was. I know we're both better off now though.

[T] Made me weak.

Hey you. Yeah. Mr. Tall Country Boy. You’ve got this mesmerizing smile - and it’s so unexpectedly cute that I have to smile back. I don’t know how you do it, but it’s making me all weak in the knees and stuff :$

I was never one for introductions.

If only I had known...

This post was supposed to be written first. Pretty much, I'll differentiate my posts like this:

- posts that have titles as numbers [#] are solely for 'If only I had known' entries, and this is just my way of sharing all of the things I wish I had learned sooner

- posts that have titles as letters will be entries based on my university experience; before the titles of these entries, specific letters to define the post; [E] for events, [T] for thoughts, [S] for interesting things I learn in school :)

- any other posts are entries of things I've written myself, whether I'm feeling like writing a memoir, a poem, a story, etc.; the titles will correspond to the piece I'm posting

Here and there, I'll throw in a random post that will have a title like this [%$@&!] - sometimes I just wanna talk.

Enjoy!

MCD

[1]

If only I had known...

In high school, it doesn't matter who you are when you first walk through those doors. That person will change. Maybe you'll fail to see it at first, but there's nothing more to it. People change.

Second Look

Take a second
to realize where you've went wrong,
go back and fix it, repeat as needed.

Take a second
to materialize the perfection
that you've always dreamed of,
close your eyes
and envision that smile
you've yet to see.

Take a second
to figure out just why goodbyes are so hard,
but you never have to say it,
those tears speak volumes.

Take a second
to see that solid smile fall to pieces,
when it comes back,
let it be
for a damn good reason.

Take a second
to step away from the world,
and see things
from a different set of eyes,
enlighten your mind
and when you finally find
what you've been looking for,
breathe deep, and...

Take a second
to let it all sink in.

Better Days

Think I've never felt your pain?
Don't know how much it hurts?
I've been to Hell and back and well..
you know, it could be worse..

But I choose to hold my head high
when I look back at this shit,
and smile, because I knew
that I would get through this..

So what if life isn't fair?
Did you expect it would be?
At the end of the day,
I'll never let shit get to me..

I've always been the one
to put my friends before myself
but let's face it, through it all
you've got YOU.. and no one else.

Doing good for you,
some may call it selfish
but in reality, how else
does one expect to be selfless?

Whatever it takes to better you,
that's the only way to live -
so when you gotta help someone else,
you've got more of yourself to give...

Reality is,
we'll all get pushed around -
we'll build ourselves up on dreams
and get pushed back down..

And the people who don't
deserve the best will get it -
and we'll work so hard for nothing,
hate ourselves and regret it..

Knowing we could have done
the same and gotten just as far,
getting twice as much
and working half as hard..

So what if life's a bitch now?
we know that hard work pays..
that being said, it's safe to say
there will be better days.

Why Enough isn't Enough

Why? Please tell me..
if you even have the answer -
to me you're like a disease
you make me sick
I should call you cancer..

sorry if I can't please you,
sorry if I'm not outstanding,
sorry for failing to exceed expectations
you're just so demanding -

tell me what you want from me,
or just how to make things better
but to tell you the truth
if you asked, I would never

lower myself just to make you happy
please, don't make me say it twice
you brought this one on yourself,
I'm tired of being nice..

never seen this side of myself
and I'm kinda glad you brought it out
because whatever game you're playing..
this foolishness, I could live without..

and I don't want an explanation,
I don't need an apology..
but if you try this again,
I'll show you exactly what you need -

so quiet down
because right now I'm about to break
congratulations, you wanted more
well, that was your mistake

be careful what you wish for
because it might just come true
you wanted me to make this mess..
I'll make a mess out of you

you know, I would hate
to see you crash and burn
but if that's what it takes
I guess you'll have to learn

the same way that I did
that life isn't always fair -
if you can play games with me
then you better be prepared

for one of mine..
but I doubt you'd find pleasure
this is something I've been waiting for,
it's now or never..

I'm giving you a chance to fix things
you'd be wise to play a different hand
than you've played time after time
...I hope you understand

that if you ask me again
when I'll learn to do things right..
I'll simply turn to you,
flip you off and say goodnight.

Is that enough?